This Year

There is so much going on in my head it’s hard to pinpoint one topic to focus on really. I’m numb, angry, sad, lost & relieved I made a decision about my relationship finally but upset of the outcome. I wish so much that things where different but I have to believe this has happened for a reason. What reason that is – I couldn’t possibly guess at this point.

I have a lot to accomplish this year.

• I have two full marathons I want to complete and possibly a third if I decide to do the St. Paul.
• I will complete the work on my condo.
• I will lose the last remaining 40 pounds I have left.
• I wouldn’t mind paying off quite a bit of my car and make sure that the rest of my debt is in check.
• I want to paint and sculpt much more than I have in the years past and sell the work on EBAY.
• I want to get rid of excess in my home and only work with what I need. Less is more.
• I want to get braces on my very crooked teeth.
• I wouldn’t mind getting some of my excess skin tightened.
• I will get a tattoo on the back of my neck.

I suppose that is it for now but it’s enough to keep my busy and my mind occupied.

Right now...

Christmas is over and I’m totally sick. I hate that I’m sick but I am. I guess the traveling caught up with me.

Despite my illness I’m at work right now. I have been crazy busy since Wednesday trying to get everything caught up for when my boss gets back into town on the 2^nd. I’m skipping my lunch to write. I can’t eat anyway and am on a liquid diet as of this moment. (At least until I’m hungry I guess)

I got a ton of really cool gifts this season, a lot more than I have ever gotten due to the gift exchange at my man’s family Christmas get together. I’m glad we could share part of the holiday together.

Last night I had this awful dream. I can’t remember any of it but I know it was horrible. Then I realized that I was late for work and it wasn’t the weekend.

I moseyed into work about 45 minutes late and I didn’t care. I mean, I can’t breathe and they are lucky I even attempted to come to work. I’m dying here. I swear the medical industry cultivates meaner and meaner viruses for the next year so that each year you get slammed harder. It’s either that or I’m getting older.

Heaven forbid! Older.

Humph.

That’s ok if I’m older. I mean, soon I will be 35 and I honestly couldn’t be happier about it. I feel like I’m just started to really live. Things keep getting better and I can’t wait to see what the future brings. As long as it’s not another fat roll – I’m good.

I've fallen...

And bonked my head on a rock when I fell off the wagon I called Weight Watchers. I’d love to say that I’m back on it but the harder I try the more I want a piece of cheese cake.

I know my weight is something that I will need to deal with all of my life but I wish it would wait until after the New Year. I mean, there are people to see, places to go and lots of food to gobble down! Right?

People, I’m lost. I have gained an obscene 17 pounds in about two months time. You might ask how that is humanly possible and I could tell you that it’s totally possible. I’ve done it over and over all my life. Gain, lose, gain lose, gain, gain, gain, gain, lose, lose, lose, gain, gain, lose, lose, lose, lose, lose, gain, gain, gain, gain, gain, gain, gain, gain, gain, lose, lose, lose, gain, lose, lose, lose, lose, lose, gain, gain.

This morning, once again, I am trying hard to stick with my plan for the day and to avoid the candy, pretzels, cake, and chocolate that my vendors have so graciously offered our company. I feel strong today and I must succeed or I will be forced to purchase a LARGER SIZE pant.

YES PEOPLE! I said a larger size.

It’s horrifying I know but calm down; I will do what I can to avoid the atrocity. May the grace of the universe be with me now…..

It happens in three's?

First of all - Yes, I do live near the 35w Bridge in Minnesota that collapsed last week and I’m ok. (13 miles but I travel that bridge often) So far, I don’t know anyone personally that was harmed. I’m lucky. Thank you all for your concern. I appreciate it.

Life has changed drastically in the last week or so and I’m simply overwhelmed with grief about all of it.

Little girl’s mother is back in town suddenly after a year and it has turned our finally routine schedule upside down, backwards and forwards. It’s disheartening to watch the change in little girl as she tries to make sense of this all. It hasn’t even been a week and she is already a different child. I love her and just can’t stand to watch her in pain but there is little I can do. All I can do is be there for her.

After my latest doctor visit, I have been referred back to the Mayo Clinic for a consultation for another surgical procedure. This is devastating to me in many ways. I don’t have the money for the gas and hotel bills I will have to endure. I don’t have the time to take off work for this type of thing. I most likely will not be able to participate in the Northshore Inline Marathon that I have been training for a year for. I will more than likely need a full work up done on my pre-existing heart condition which is always very invasive and painful. Plus, because of this recent discovery I won’t be able to continue my search for another job because of my need for medical insurance right now.

Despite loathing getting up in the morning to come to work - hating my job now has to take a back seat to my life. It feels as if my life is in shambles with the exception of the love I have from my relationships. It’s something to be thankful for.

This too will pass…

1957 Chevy Belair.

It's the inspiration for the color changes on the site.

I totally want one and if anyone out there is willing to just give me one - I'll take it.

For real.

She's Back!

Well, it's been a while folks. I mean, it's probable that most of you readers have long gone in the vast world of the internet. There are always things to take the attention off of this blog - that is for sure and I'm ok with that.

I have been busy.

Not just busy, but BUSY. My job is crazy. So crazy that I'm working out of my work's parking lot at 8:30 at night on a Sunday just to get jobs done. (long story) I have a laptop now that is attached to my hip and I can't remember the last time that I was 'bored' at work.

I have a live in family now. Remember that dude that I was dating that had a daughter that liked me a whole lot? Well, he still does and they are still around. It's a complete and absolute change for me. My life. My future.

I have lost a total of 80 pounds. I also cut off the majority of my hair and dyed it black and purple just for the fun of it. I'm thinking of getting a nose ring next but I'm still pretty much a chicken when it comes right down to it.

Everything is different.

My weight.
My hair.
My job.
My social life.
My romantic life.
My parental status.

Who am I anymore? If you knew me before... well, things are different now. I'm different.

Everything I have known for the last 12 years has changed. It's hard to get a grasp on everything at times and I wonder if I will ever get it. I suppose I'll figure it out in time.

In the meantime, it's about time I started writing again. Not sure what my focus will be but I do have some ideas that I want to share with you in time. I hope everyone is doing well and hopefully you will be back to read me once again...

Today

It's cold out but it's beautiful.

I'm DOOMED!

Folks, recently I have been introduced to the World Of Warcraft. Yes, it’s an online interactive game where you kill beasts and gather items for quests that you must accomplish.

I’ll admit it sounds goofy however, I also must admit that I’m seriously addicted to the game. I love it. What’s the problem right? Well, I can’t seem to keep track of time when I’m playing and waaa-laaa it’s midnight before I know it.

I’m tired.

I’m so tired.

Do they have a self help group for this kind of thing? I mean, I need help possibly….

He he he

Dream Land? La-La-Land?

Where ever I have been the last two months (almost) has been no less than wonderful. I mean, I have to admit, I have driven some of you batty with my anxieties over the boyfriend man thing. I don’t cope well when it comes to the uncertain matters of the heart. Never have.

Despite my anxieties, I’m happy. He makes me feel extraordinary - beautiful inside and out.

I’m so happy that at times, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. I have been so miserable with this aspect of my life for so long that I find myself waiting for it to all be taken away. Irrational fear? Possibly.

Lately however, calm has filled my heart and I have found a peace that I have never felt before. The obstacles that, in the past, would have had me running away after the first date years ago have been met with uncharacteristic patience and understanding from me.

It’s amazing how each and every step I have taken in my lifetime has led me directly into this euphoric dance. Everything fits and I can’t wait to see where this path will lead me.

CNN ALERT

-- A small plane has crashed into a building in New York City. No further details immediately available.

HOLY.

FRAKKIN.

CRAP.

Remodeling

It has been brought to my attention that my email updates have not been going out like they are supposed to. I’m not sure why this is happening but I’m trying to fix it.

Also, a few of you have mentioned that the new colors are hard to read so I will be working on changing things up a bit.

Stay tuned my friends…