My tabs are over due - by like 12 days. I meant to get them on Friday but I was swamped at work and forgot until I was leaving and the DMV was closed. I figured that I'd go on Sat morning but I didn't anticipate staying up until the wee hours of the morning the night before..... so I overslept.

I was in a meeting and the light bulb flashes in my brain...

"YOU NEED TABS! YOU NEED TABS!"
With that my quest for the tabs story begins.....

First, I had to figure out which DMV I was going to go too...Ridgedale or Golden Valley. Either way, I'd have to LEAVE WORK.

[Leaving work isn't a big deal but at lunch hour? It's like volunteering to take a tour through hell for an hour or so.]

So I talked to Katie and she's like, "Dude, go to the one in Golden Valley - they won't be as busy." So I went to trusty Yahoo! Maps and found myself a DMV and off I went.

I got almost down to the parking lot and realized that I forgot the directions and my card key (the thing that lets me back into work) on my desk. I suppose in my haste to flee before the lunch rush I missed these two important items on my quest. I rush back up to my desk and off to my car that was parked in BFE because I was 30 minutes late to work this morning....

[for those of you that don't know... BFE = Bum F**ked Egypt.....don't ask.]

Driving along, I'm following the trusted map I created for myself. The map was wrong. It said I was supposed to take a right but really, I was supposed to go straight. Luckily, I figured this out but not in time to realize that I passed the DMV about a half mile back. So I turned around and hoped it would jump out in front of me so the line of cars behind me wouldn't freak out on me for driving like an old blue haired baboon. I'm in the left lane thinking it was on the left side and of course it wasn't so I had to jump two lanes in a matter of a millisecond to turn in the driveway.

I swear, I'm not retarded.... but all those honking cars behind me thought I was.

SOoooo, I park and I'm relieved that I'm there and alive. I'm walking in thinking, "I'll be back to work in no time..." - I couldn't have been more wrong. I had my tabs paper, my insurance papers -- ALL SET. I'm grabbing the handle to go in the door and it hits me. I grab my purse and check for my Visa Check Card and I couldn't find it. I move to a bench and search my purse. All my purse guts are spread out in front of City Hall.....

It wasn't there.

UGGHHH!!! So back to my car and up the road to my house to look for a card that could be anywhere - even stolen. On my way, I'm stuck behind every old person known to human kind that have nothing better to do than to drive in front of people on their lunch break in a hurry to get back to work. After ten bazillion hours of driving I get home and had regressed my mind to the last time I used the card and what I was wearing. I headed for the laundry basket, grabbed my shorts and WAAAA LAAA. My card had been found and I was off and running once again.

Zooming back to the DMV with my money, my tabs and my insurance information I was set. Until, the only thing that could stop me now was about to tease my senses. A Golden Valley Police officer had pulled up behind me.....

[BOOM BOOM! BOOM BOOM!] <---my heart pounding.

I make my left hand turn from the light and he follows. I make my left hand turn into the DMV and he follows.

[BOOM BOOM! BOOM BOOM! BOOM BOOM!]

I park on the left. He parks on the right. I get out of my car and look over. He ignores me and I'm perplexed. I look at the building he is entering...and it's the police station.

[ Honestly, I'm not retarded.....really....]

Walking into the DMV, finally, I walk to the counter laughing at myself. The lady looks at the card in my hand all prepared to pay and she says they only accept Cash or Check. In that instance, I felt my world shrink like four million degrees. UGGHH!! She didn't just say that did she? But I just left and came back and my check book is on the table at home. I was just about to explain my situation until I saw her point behind me. There it was. It glowed as I looked at it. My savior in my quest for my tabs.

The ATM machine

I grabbed some money, I paid the chick, I put the tabs on my car and I'm feeling accomplished. I figured that I deserved some sort of reward for my hideous craziness so I headed to Subway for lunch. MMMmmmmm FOOD.

I'm in line. A long line. Construction workers, business men with too much cologne, mom's with babies, and old people that drive slow were all there waiting with me. Nobody talked. Everybody stared at the people eating their sandwiches already. The people that didn't get caught behind the old people that drive slow. I get my food and head out to my car to find some MORON was trying to parallel park near my car.

I mean, most men can simply be classified as idiots. Of course, this isn't my opinion. This is what my sisters, girlfriends and mother tell me. This man wasn't even officially retarded or moronic until I saw what he was trying to do. I'm in my car and about to start it and this man backs up so he is practically scrapping my right side passenger fender so that he can go into the parking space engine first. Everyone knows, that you are supposed to BACK IN to a space like that!

UMMMMMmmmmmm, HELLO, MR. MORON!?!?!

That is my car you are trying to smash into while I'm in it! I just paid $200.00 bucks for tabs, HELLO!? So this guy turns into the space trying to get his 4 door big ass sedan into a 2 door coupe space. So he's big butt was in the middle of the road until I moved.

Finally free and heading back to work, I hit every light. A simple trip to the DMV which should have lasted a half an hour tops with a stop for lunch turned into a hour and a half and my hair was a mess. All I wanted to do was drive legally and get a sandwich.....

This is why I eat at my desk....