Why you shouldn't use the yellow pages to call a locksmith in the middle of the night....

I locked my keys in the car Saturday night in front of a friend’s house.  Here are the things I learned about the three men that attempted to open my car door.

 

KEYMAN #1

What do you like to do on a cold winter’s night while attempting to open a car door?

 

I like long walks across the street (for an hour and a half) to my plain white van to acquire another tool that doesn’t work in the “wrong door” that the manufacturer put on the vehicle I’m attempting to break into and can’t. I really don’t know what I’m doing….

 

Is there anything that we should know about you that you would like to share with the perfect strangers that called you from the yellow pages for help?

 

I grew up a physically & emotionally abused child from my mom and step-dad. [He goes into very descriptive details] My brother stole cars and was on dope since he was 13 and ended up in jail. When I was in the military I was upset that they didn’t give me live rounds but I guess I can understand since I was boozing it up back then.  I can’t believe that someone would fly themselves into the world trade center for 40 virgins and all the booze in heaven when they could have it down here.  Those infidels…[goes on until I interrupt him thanking him for his time] Yeah, I think your door is the wrong door put on my the manufacturer and if you can get the key code you can call me back and I will take care of making a key for you.

 

[I’m supposed to call this dude back?]

 

 

KEYMAN #2

What do you like to do on a cold winter’s night while attempting to open a car door?

First I like to look inside the vehicle before giving a price so I can up it based on what is INSIDE the vehicle. (Those dumb Americans….) Once I give the price and I am refused I will argue and negotiate my price until they give in.  Once a deal is made I jump up on their rusted [unbroken] side rails of their truck and literally break them in half. (Americans don’t notice these things…*Middle Eastern? French? Arabian? snicker*) Once I break their vehicle I proceed to pry open the truck doors with two hand held wedges pushed in with all my body weight chipping the paint near the window.  When I’m asked to stop working on the vehicle [after 10 seconds] and leave - I demand that I am paid a $55.00 service fee for coming out despite the fact that the vehicle that I have been attempting to break into has been damage by me and no other.  Ohh la la... those stupid Americans will just give in and pay if I refuse to leave for 30 minutes.

 

[Are you flippin’ kidding me with this?????? Luckily, Queenie was gracious enough to help me out on this one….]

 

Is there anything that we should know about you that you would like to share with the perfect strangers that called you from the yellow pages for help?

 

I am a conman like no other.  I like to screw you out of money late, late at night and work my con on you with the company’s secretary.  We go way back….  I will get my money no matter how much I contradict myself in my attempt.  This is why I dress so nice in my fancy car.  I love this American country!  The people are so dumb and I am slimy enough to take advantage of it….  I find that if you can intimidate them long enough they will back down….

 

[Too bad ass#@!! I didn’t pay your slimy conman ass anything…..]

 

KEYMAN #3

What do you like to do on a cold winter’s night while attempting to open a car door?

First I take the antenna off the truck and pry the door open a smidge to fit it inside using a piece of plastic and a screwdriver. (Pointing out that someone had chipped the paint prior to me working on the truck) I ask a friend to direct the flashlight and tell me where the antenna of the truck is located inside the vehicle.  I then latch on to the lock and unlock it.  I will be in your vehicle within 10 minutes.

 

Is there anything that we should know about you that you would like to share with the perfect strangers that called you from the yellow pages for help?

Perfect strangers? I think we have been through this once before Jacque.  What part of make another set of keys for yourself don’t you understand?? Weren’t we just at Lowes looking at keys?  Didn’t you say you had to make a set of keys incase you did this again?  I’m glad to help…. (*laughing and shaking head*)

 

[Yea, yea, yea Mark… we’ll take you home now….]

 

 

The moral of the story is that you need to make an extra set of keys of everything on your key ring. Place the extra keys in places that will avoid you from ever having to call locksmith’s from the yellow pages to unlock your doors. (This is what I did on Sunday by the way…)

 

This will also allow you to have the fun night you planned in the first place…

 

(Sorry Queenie….)