I QUIT.

I have been up since 3am. I laid in bed for an hour before I finally got up. My dreams are horrifying and my mind races so relaxing is out of the question.

All I can do is write I suppose.

I feel like the last year has been a blur. Something that comes out of story books mostly. In fact, I don't think I could have made it up if I tried.

I have been thinking about what I want to write about in my annual Christmas letter and I can't really think about anything I want to share with people. I mean, life has not been easy.

35 has been hell.

Crazy thing is that now that things have calmed down a bit in my life - my mind won't let me rest, forget or better yet - move on.

I find myself so tense at times that I have to literally force my muscles to relax and even then it's a struggle. At this point, no one is putting me through the stress however my body is still reacting to it. I suppose sub-consciously I'm still ready for something else to happen.

At times, I think I'm so naive. What I mean is, if I wasn't so naive about people, things or life in general I would be hurting so bad now. I know it isn't bad to hope for the best or give people second, third or even 47 chances.

That bad part is putting up with that crap that causes me to have to forgive and hope...

Why can't things just be nice? Why can't people just be honest? What is wrong with trusting someone? Why can't people just be decent to each other? Especially me??

When I try and sleep, the moments of the last year and other crappy parts of my life keep me from resting soundly. I wake in the middle of the night to nightmares from the past and little hope for the future.

I have been told so many times that my naive nature and belief in people to do the right thing is destructive. I set myself up for dissappointment each time that I rely on someone else to do the right thing.

I finally believe them.

I have absolutely no desire to believe in anyone or anything any longer. I have fought my whole fricken life to be healthy and all I want to is succumb to what my body has been trying to do since I got to this wretched place...

There is no joy in my world. My dreams. My desires.

I'm tired of pretending that everything is gonna work out for the best. What is best? Best for who?? Best for what other people think I should be doing and feeling with my life? Perhaps you the reader, think I'm going about my life all wrong too and feel compelled to tell me how I'm focusing more on the bad and not so much on the positive.

It's always easier to tell someone else what to do.

Truth is, I have been focusing on the positive for 35 years and all it has gotten me is stomped on. I'm always looking for the good, forgiving the wrong and trying to make things right.

I'm done. DONE!

I would like to be able to blame someone for how I feel. It would be much easier to swallow perhaps. I mean, no one wants to take responsibility for anything these days and I guess in this case I'm one of them.

I realize that I'm the only person to blame for the mess my life has been and continues to be. I constantly think that if I try a little harder, am just a little nicer or go about things in a different way that things are gonna change. They don't. The problem is that after being burned, I go back for more.

It's like I'm retarded!

I believe in the wrong people. Like, if I love them even more, there gonna change?

You know what happens when you love an rabid dog more even though it's trying to bite your face off? YOU GET BIT!

To most, I have everything I could want. For the most part, I do have the material, superficial things every person should want there is no doubt about that. Job, car, house....

So before everyone gets all high and mighty about telling me about how damn grateful I should be - SAVE IT.

Am I grateful? Sure I am but I worked my ass off to have the things I need so how grateful should I be? I mean, I have those things in my life because I fricken earned them. If I didn't have those things after working so hard I'd be pissed about that too.

I think I have a right to feel the way I do. I'm pissed. I'm angry. I'm tired of working so hard on relationships only to be given very little back in return. Abandoned and brushed aside because I just don't mean as much or are not important enough to have priority over something else.

I MATTER DAMNIT!

You know why I have nightmares? Because I never, ever get mad. I never tell the people that hurt me to screw off and MEAN IT. I will tell them and ten minutes later, I'm the one apologizing for getting upset with them!

Of course people are gonna step on a door mat. That is what it's for to wipe your feet.

If that isn't messed up then I don't know what is. Well, there it is. All out in the open for the whole world to see just how dysfunctional and messed up I am.

How about this for my Christmas letter?


Dear Everyone,

Merry fricken Christmas.

I lost my second job in two years and because I was sick for 2 months (getting paid 60% what I should get paid) of the 6 months in they base benefits on unemployment paid me half of what I should have gotten. I got another job but found out they lied about what the job entailed. So much for 15 years of experience...

I'm in debt up to my eyeballs.

I'm menopausal after losing my last bit of womanhood. I haven't slept in a year and my skin burns up unannounced at least 3-14 times a day/night. My thyroid is dying so I was on bed rest for a month and a half and close to death. Half my face was paralyzed which caused me to drool on myself. I have a unknown constant pain in my leg and back that no doctor can diagnose and my left leg and arm are nearly twice as big as my right which forces me to limp like a gimp and I can no longerskate. I'm now Hypothyroid and gained 50 pounds of the 80 I lost and because I'm suicidal I'm on antidepressants that cause me to be nauseous all the time, have weird ass dreams, clench my jaw and yawn uncontrollably.

After medical expenses this year, I should be able to catch up in 2058.

After two years of supporting him and fighting to love his daughter, I dumped my lazy ass boyfriend, he and his daughter moved out, we got back together only to find out he was a lying shit bag, got back together again because I'm retarded only to be dumped, lead on, forgotten and ignored. Yet all I want to do is be back with him.

Dare I even talk about my family crap? People sick and dying? I mean, seriously, I've got it pretty good to some in the family....

Best part is, if I talk about any part of my life, I'm dissed for not being happy and able to just forget it and move on. Life is great!!!

Drink some eggnog, pop some pills and stuff your face so you can deal with my crazy bullshit excuse for a life like I do.


Dysfunctionally yours,

Messed up in the head



I think that is a winner - what about you?

Wonderful.

It's time for work.