Chuck: Looking Back

I know I have been super excited about recent events. I thought I would take a look back at just how long it has been since I got to talk to him.

2003
A brief exchange of emails in 2004
2005
One email in 2005
2005
2006
2006 #19.
2007
2007
2008
2008
2008

It's been almost nine years since we really talked. I mean, it's not like we TALKED but I know he's OK. I know his family is OK. I know he doesn't hate me. I got to tell him things on my mind. Things I haven't shared with anyone.

No one ever forgets their best friend.

No one has ever come close to being as close to me as he was. Perhaps no one has wanted to or tried to be that close to me? Perhaps I keep it that way? I just never feel comfortable, like no one else would understand or even want to listen. He always listened, for hours. I mean, he really wanted to know how I was doing. I was always his priority.

He cared.

No matter what I did or what I looked like - he cared. He was kind, gentle, hilarious, thoughtful and sometimes a huge, honkin' pain in the butt.

He loved me.

I guess looking back, things are always remembered better than they actually were. The grass is always greener so to speak. That being said, when I remember him, it's the only time in my life that I felt OK to be me. It was the only time in my life that I felt really happy.

Inside out - Truly happy.

I mean, if that is what it feels like to be loved, like real true love - I have experienced it. How fricken lucky am I to have had his friendship; his attention as long as I did?

Who wouldn't want that in their lives? I know he wasn't/isn't perfect but we were perfect together. It was us against the world. We were there for each other when it mattered most.

He picked me up when I fell. I mean, anyone that knows my dating history, this was excessive... I made it through it, he was the set of strong shoulders I knew I could cry on.

Rely on.

One never thinks of the end of something. I mean, I never thought it would end. I suppose I took it for granted. Him for granted. Like, he would always be there. I know he isn't dead or anything but something died the day he walked away.

My heart broke.

I know things are different. I mean, a wife, three kids, a career and a social life? He has obligations and they don't include me. It's not like I don't know where his priority lies. Where his priority needs to be for the rest of our lives.

I've searched for that unconditional love where ever I have gone, in all the people I have met - dated. I haven't found it yet and probably never will again. I have felt abandoned, angry and hurt by his decision but I know; I know that because of who he is that the decision he made wouldn't have been any other way.

I will miss him and our friendship always. I'm so happy we had this chance to connect - if even for a moment.