Blast From The PAst

It's time I take my own advice.

Today while looking at this blogs stats, I came across a link to one of my archived pages. I scrolled down the page to stop at this entry.

Wow, what complete insight I had. It's clear. It's concise and it's right.

I have been moping along and allowing John to come back into my life whenever he sees fit. He doesn't deserve my time. Yes it's painful as hell to say no to him especially knowing that there is a little 6 year old involved in all of this but truth be told - I'm only hurting both of us by dragging this out.

It's been three days since I have seen him. I can't move on until it stops. I mean, S T O P S.

I didn't ask him to lie to me over and over again. I didn't ask him to do what he did. He did it. According to our last conversation, his explanation of what happened was a lie as well being he can't remember any of the details ever so conveniently now.

I do.

I remember everything like it was yesterday. April 19th is when I found out. I haven't talked about the details. I haven't really talked about any of what happened with anyone in particular. Each person I talk to hears only bits and pieces and only I know what really happened in it's entirety.

He was horribly inconsiderate, rude, disrespectful and down right mean to me. Why? Because I allowed it to happen over and over again. Thinking I deserved it in some twisted way.

Maybe if I was nicer he would be nicer. Maybe if I hadn't said something a certain way he would have done something he said he was gonna do. He used my emotions against me. He used Mae against me. He was manipulative.

My desire to have what we had in the beginning was greater than trying to get out of what I was currently putting up with. He didn't change - the real him just came out. Blaming me for the pain because of something I said in a conversation in reaction to him being cruel to me.

This is not how I want to live my life. Waiting to see when HE feels it's OK for us to be together. Waiting to see when HE feels it's OK to be nice to me. Bottom line is I don't trust ANYTHING coming out of his mouth.

I was nothing but nice to him. I treated him and his daughter with nothing but love and compassion because that is who I am. Who my parents raised me to be.

I'm happy I had the experience I did. I'm happy I shared my life with them because I learned so much. However; the pain has now exceeded any happiness we once shared.

I know that a bunch of you are like -- "DUH, JACQUE?!?" and I get it. I realize that I say we are over and then the next thing you hear is that he was over or that we talked. The fact is that this is something that I do. I mean, eventually, when I'm ready to let go - I do and I never look back. (proof being my many ex's from the past)

I will let go. I'm doing the best I can. I was so hopeful that this guy was it. Not only that - we would have a family.

I have to realize though, she wasn't my daughter and never will be. He wasn't my husband and never will be. It was make believe.

I need job. That will help me through this so I have less time to dwell....I need my life in order.