Time Passes -- One Application Submitted

I got up this morning at 7:30am. I had no reason to get up but to work on my resume and network with past co-workers. Phone calls started around 8:00am and my email blew up with well wishes, good byes and tips and leads for alternative work.

I have lunches and happy hours planned yet I feel that pit in my stomach so reminiscent of nearly a year and a half ago when I was out of work the first time.

I talked on the phone and responded to emails until 11:30am. Eventually, I had to start my day.

I moved from the bedroom in my PJ's to my living room in my PJ's and there I sat all day long working on my resume and cover letters. I didn't stop but to cook lunch and dinner, play a bit of an online game with my favorite girl Mae and talk on the phone with random phone calls.

It's 11:30pm and I just now was able to apply for my first job but apparently their online application system sucks rocks and most likely didn't get to them. I sent an email to their help line with my resume and cover letter attached in hopes it will get to them.

I can only hope.

I thought I would wait until Monday to start applying but being patient and relaxing about anything has never been my forte.

The general opinion among nearly every person I talked with today was that I was pretty lucky to get out of there. I suppose I must agree. I mean, my body was literally breaking down from the stress of it all.

Of course there is always a part of me that will feel like a failure once again. The feeling of uncertainty that this gives me is crazy unbearable but in my gut I knew it was coming. I purposely applied for a 2ND mortgage to have an open line of credit JUST IN CASE I should happen to lose my job any time soon.

Guess my gut was right.

I don't want to utilize the money I have access too and I will be very upset if I have to resort to such measures to keep my house. Luckily, my sisters and I are planning our annual garage sale this next week and I have already committed to selling a large majority of my things in order to have some sort of back up plan, even if it is only gonna be a few hundred dollars. It may pay for a portion of my mortgage or something.

Who knows.

What I do know is that I'm crossing my fingers. Not only can I make some money for myself but I can finally free up some much needed space in my crowded but quaint condo. I believe in my heart that I will be OK but I'm struggling to keep my confidence in check.

In the last three months I have :

• gone from Hyperthyroid to Hypothyroid
• gained nearly 30 pounds
• was blindsided by my boyfriends news of lies, lies more lies of lies and lies with lies.
• rarely seen his daughter and realize I may not see her again at times.
• started getting hives and other panic type symptoms when stressed.
• been told I didn't know what I was doing in my industry *by evil doers but it still hurts...
  
• lost my job.

These types of things on their own can be troublesome but as a whole in a group as they have been given to me - I find them kind of a sign from GOD or perhaps SATAN. I suppose either one could claim it if they wanted.

Perhaps I say this because I'm not sure what else to think of it. Like a good friend of mine recently told me, "Jacque, you are at a spiritual crossroads with your life."

I mean, that alone wouldn't get me thinking but when my mothers reaction to the news of me losing my job was, "Oh good, now you can finally figure out what you want to do for the rest of your life."

I realize, I'm at some sort of impasse with my life and my future path but I wish at some point it would be easier for me to swallow it all.

I don't have my health.
I don't have the love I held so dear.
I don't have my career.

All I'm left with is ME. (and my friends of family of course...) The bare truth of who I am as a person and the remains of what I have done in my past. Something tells me that at some point in my life, I had some seriously great guidance.

Namely, my parents.

One taught me the value of hard work, finances and discipline and the other taught me self worth, kindness, graciousness and TRIED to teach me some kind of decorum. The combination of which has brought me as far as I am and will only bring me into further success in the future.

Let's hope....