Some really crappy things have been going on lately and unfortunately it has beaten me down. The accumulation of things has taken it’s toll and this whole week has been hard.
My mom says, “That’s life, Jacque.” And although I know it is I can’t help but wonder why certain people in my life are… not so nice at times. It’s like they really don’t care about me unless it fits their agenda or doesn’t put them out in any way shape or form. Is this who they have been the entire time and I was too naive or blinded with my own feelings to see it? Why all of a sudden now am I encountering or noticing it more and more? Has my outlook or expectations changed?
I realize I’m not willing to fall all over people like I have in the past and this could be the difference. People are used to me just caving in and doing what they want of me. I want to please people and make them happy even at the risk of making myself completely miserable and I’m tired of it. I get nothing out of it except resentment and ill will towards the person so why should I continue to put myself out there?
Granted, doing nice things for people or simply being a good friend shouldn’t have a ‘reward’ other than the friendship or relationship itself. I get that part and I acknowledge that however, if I’m giving 100% and whomever I’m interacting with is giving 20% - eventually it grates on a person. I wonder to myself, why aren’t I worth that other 80%? What the hell is wrong with me? Why is ok for me to give so much and not them?
The truth is that the problem isn’t me. The problem lies with these people that I have chosen to have in my life despite how they continue to make me feel. I need to decide if I want to keep things the way they are, create new boundaries or end things for good. I can’t continue this way if I ever what to grow or change.
Life shouldn’t feel this way and only I can change it.
2 comments:
Sounds like you're being taken for granted. You deserve better, my dear.
you're an inspiration to people jacque. if it weren't for you, i'd be still living in the same old house with the white walls and the college dorm look. now you've got me ensconsed.
the real point is, keep a chin up. you have a great impact on the people you touch.
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