Deep breath.... hold it... and relax......

I am usually more cryptic regarding matters of the heart but writing helps me clarify what is really going on and sometimes (like, the past week) I break my own rules regarding my blog.

 

I have many different things going on in my head.  Of course I'm bothered right now about things but what is really bothering me is why it's such a big deal now and not a month ago when things were the same way.  Why am I so upset about something I have known about Mark for the last five years?

 

None of the stuff that I am angry or hurt or whatever the hell I am upset about is stuff that I don't know and/or understand about him.  We have been friends way to long for this stuff to be an issue or a surprise now.  It's possible the feelings that have surfaced are being understood by me as something romantic instead of what they really are. I mean, seriously, how can  I want to be with someone that knowingly pisses me off most of the time?

 

I know that we have relied on each other for companionship for a long time.  In fact, for me, it's easy to not put myself out there to date and meet new people when I'm with someone the majority of my free time.  Hanging out with Mark is easier than the alternative of being rejected or having to reject someone in the dating world. 

 

Most of you reading this probably don't know this but I see Mark four to five days a week.  We met online five years ago.  When we met I was sick and doctoring with the Mayo Clinic in Rochester.  It was a pretty scary time for me and really, it wasn't a time for me to be dating new people anyway but I'm not one to follow my instincts either.  I think we already established this.

 

With that said we did have a brief dating relationship for about one to two months.  (Wanna guess why it ended?) When it didn't work out, despite my argument to him that we would be better off completely apart from each other he fought to remain friends. 

 

He visited me when I asked him not too.  He called when I told him to go away.  He held my hand when the pain was too much and no matter how much I complained about him being around, he took days off of work to go with me for testing and he called in sick when those days ran out.  

 

During my recovery, he visited every day after work and if I said I was ok being alone he knew I wasn't.  In fact, throughout the years he has been there to help me move, remodel my destroyed house from my divorce, rake my leaves, get through break ups, mow my lawn, fix my cars, lift the heavy things I can't and open the jars I curse at.  Along the way we had fun, have had great conversations and did what any set of friends would do - annoy the crap out of each other and hang out doing nothing in particular.

 

When I moved from my house to the condo, Mark's latest car died. Of course I offered up my couch for him to stay on until he worked something out because my new condo was less than a mile from his work and he lived 23 miles away from work.  In return, he had to help me remodel the new place.

 

Well, I have been in the condo since October 2004.  It's been over a year and Mark still doesn't have a car.  He still hasn't done something to get back his license, he is still sleeping on my floor (he can't sleep on the couch anymore since it's brand spankin' new) and my house is still unfinished.

 

Granted, the man is helping my turn my 80's decored condo into a primo ultra modern sanctuary but the amount of work done doesn't amount to what I feel I have provided for him.  I mean, I haven't even had my own place since I moved in and it's a mess.

 

When I get home from work, Mark is there.  When I watch TV, Mark is there.  When I cook, Mark is there. We talk about our day.  We eat our meals together and anything a regular couple does when they live together minus the sexual part - we do. 

 

So maybe having feelings for someone so close to me isn't out of the ordinary and getting jealous/hurt about being ditched for a chick he has recently met is normal.  I don't know. 

 

What I do know is that I'm 32 years old and give or take a boyfriend here or there I have been single since my divorce 9 1/2 years ago.  When I do date, most men have issues with me being so close to Mark and they don't believe that what we have is platonic.  I suppose if they explained the same thing to me about a live in chick friend, I would run like hell too.  I don't blame them.  How can I?

 

I obviously can't deal with what is going on now for many different reasons. Whether my feelings for Mark are romantic or not, (which doesn't matter since I wouldn't be able to explore them anyway) I need my space and I have already taken the steps to get out of the situation.   I need to stop hiding behind whatever it is we do have and get out and meet new people. 

 

I understand that the repetitiveness of my thoughts may annoy some of you that know me in person but this decision is a big deal for me considering my friendship with Mark has meant so much and takes up a lot of my time.  It's scary to make this change but I will. So thank you all for your comments (on and off this thing) because I agree with the majority of what was said.