Cleaning.

When I'm sick - I clean.

Today I found a suitcase of old letters from old friends and ex-boyfriends. I can't throw all of them away at once but I have been working on getting rid of them for over 10 years.

Today I threw out letters from old school friends. It didn't make sense to keep them if I no longer talk to them right?

I found a letter from one of my most serious boyfriends. We were engaged to be married and dated for 3-5 years all through high school and a bit beyond. It's weird but the only letter I chose to open and read (out of a stack of hundreds) happened to be the letter he told me he no longer wanted to see me.

It wasn't because he was dating three other girls that I had recently found out about (one being a best friend of mine at the time). It was because I couldn't have my own children. In fact, the guy I dated after him left me for the same reason and had another girlfriend within a month. Nine months later they had a little girl.

I guess ever since then I didn't date guys that didn't already have kids. What a mistake that was. I'd get to know the kids while dating the father and when we broke up I never saw the kids again. Even worse, I'd have to deal with the ex's being psycho and crazy.

After that, I tried to date dudes that didn't have tons of baggage AKA: Kids, ex-wives or girlfriends and that doesn't work either. Most of them are so into themselves that they don't even know you exist unless your willing to put out. Plus, being they haven't really 'lived' they can be boring and have no personality to speak of.

So I'm left with me, myself and I and a fricken box full of notes collecting dust in an old suitcase of my mothers. Memories that only hurt but I'm too afraid to let go of for fear I may lose a part of myself.

I hate cleaning.